Finding myself again
I am coming out of a very miserable place, a place that I allowed infertility to drag me to kicking and screaming.
It has without a doubt been one of the lowest points in my life - a pity party riddled with resentment, jealousy, grief + immense and total gut-wrenching heartbreak.
For a period of time I let infertility steal my joy, my friendships, my social life, my connection with my family, my ability to be genuinely happy for and celebrate other people. And c0v!d didn’t make that difficult. I hid myself away in my home, leaving only when absolutely necessary. I avoided my phone and almost all social contact. I love exercising but I stopped almost entirely because I thought rigorous activity would hurt my fertility. I thought a hot shower would be the reason for my next negative pregnancy test. I thought french fries and ranch, a reece's peanut butter cup, a bite of gluten or dairy, would set me back, yet again. So I hid and I avoided.
I began to dig my way out when I realized I can’t live like this. I can’t let infertility rob me of my entire life, I believe I had and still have a choice. I can show up, be a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife, like I know I can be; or I can hide away and hate the world. The latter seemed easier and more manageable and for a while I think I did need to hide away, to guard what was left intact of my heart and soul at the time, taking time to rebuild.
I recently found myself in a place where I felt I could begin to heal, regardless of the fact that I was pregnant or not. I didn't rush myself out or bury my feelings in this process but I realized this doesn’t have to define me.
Life is unfair, it will always be unfair at times - but we can choose to see the love and beauty in it too when we am ready. We can find ourselves a fierce group of people who love us well and hold space for us, and immerse ourselves within that. We are stronger than this, we are better than this, we are deserving of everything that we envision for ourselves and there is nothing I or you have done, no decision that we ever could have made that has lead us to the place we now find ourselves in - it’s just life, as cruel and unfair as it can be sometimes we can also choose to see the silver lining when we are ready, as much as it might sting. Taking a moment to look around and take inventory of the growth and strength we’ve achieved since our journeys began.
This journey will not look at all like we’d pictured, that's all but guaranteed, and the outcome might not be what we expected either, but I know that we will be okay.
Most of all I hope you don’t forget who you are and what you stand for, what kind of friend and partner you are, and how genuinely you can love and celebrate. Guard your heart, take time when you need it and put yourself first, but I hope you can be open to happiness, too, when it feels right.
Always here rooting for you. xoxox