• Anjuli

I was born for this

In January of 2019 my husband and I began our journey to grow our family. I have always had an inkling this wouldn't be the easiest journey for us, something inside of me just knew. But nothing can prepare you for it. Infertility. No one ever expects to find themselves here. It is something that happens to other people, surely not us.

So we decided, we were ready. I jumped in head first. Guns blazing. I researched everything: What can we do to increase our chances? What vitamins should we be taking? Dental appointment, check! Doctor appointment, check! I was really ready. I wanted a baby yesterday. We did everything "right," and heartbreakingly enough, sometimes that doesn't matter.

I have always wanted to be a mother. I feel the need, the yearning, in my bones. I have felt it since before I can remember. I was meant for this. I was meant to love and nurture another being with all that I am.

I know its hard. I have been told many times. "You just wait", they love to say.

I welcome this challenge. My respect for women is unmatched, as is my respect for mothers. I can only imagine the selflessness it takes, and I deeply admire any woman who chooses motherhood and shows up everyday ready to give all they have.

I have heard "nothing compares to the pain of child birth," "you will never sleep again," and "you will worry every day for the rest of your life." Well guess what? Women are bad ass, powerful beings. There is literally nothing we cannot do. Our bodies were made for this. And should we not want to continue to handle the pain, they invented an amazing thing called an epidural. More to the point, I am happy to trade my full nights sleep for the most intense love a person can feel. And I am already a worry wart, so please, bring it on! (blog post on asking women about "when they are having children" coming soon. Because I have BIG feelings about this.)

My intention is not to undermine anyone else's feelings or experience. My point is: women can handle anything. We will find a way through it - no matter how difficult and painful it is.

More often than I would like to admit, there have been days where I wonder how I can possibly bear the pain of infertility for one more day, for one more second. I have prayed to and begged a God I do not necessarily believe in to please let us have what we so desperately want. Have we not been through enough? I wonder what we could have possibly done to deserve this. Though I know in my heart that has no baring on the situation. I wonder where I will find the strength to do this again; one more month, one more cycle. I have given every part of my being to this, you have to, it was never a choice.

Somehow, when I think there cannot possibly be anything left - we find the strength to try again. and again. and again. Within this brokenness there is immense strength, as you all have so kindly pointed out. In this journey I have found profound strength. I can do impossible things, and I believe you can too, should you choose to.

Sending you all love + light.

(I say "I" because this is my version of our journey through infertility. I wish not to speak for my husband, his truth and experience are his. He is just as much a part of this journey as I am, I have so much respect and love for him, and for the love and compassion he shows me every single day. I speak for my own experiences and truths.)


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