It wasn't supposed to be us.
This wasn't supposed to happen to us. We were supposed to be parents by now. We shouldn't be the ones watching through a window as our friends become parents, add to their families - some effortlessly and others with time, as we sit wishing for the same thing. We shouldn't be feeling passed by, like someone forgot about us. For the millionth time I ask the void: when will it be our turn? As always, there is no answer. So still, we wait.
Infertility is something that happens to other people, maybe it's something that you see a tiny piece of on TV. You hear about it, you feel awful for the person figuring their way through it, and you think to yourself: but that will never be us. And then you move on with your life. We all do it in so many different situations. It's a coping mechanism; how would we survive or truly be happy without at least semi-removing yourself from a situation?
Well, we didn't plan for this. We couldn't plan for it. We never though this would be our journey.
How can you prepare yourself for something that was never supposed to happen in your life, and something that is impossible to ready yourself for? My emotions and my reactions often take me by surprise, even still after 2 years. Each day is a new one to explore, what will upset me today?! :D
I had never expected grief. I didn't expected anger or resentment either. I fight these every day: What have I lost? Who have I lost? Who's fault is it?
I can tell you the grief is real. The anger is real. The resentment is real. Maybe it doesn't make sense, but its real and it's there; tapping you on the shoulder in the grocery store while you pick out apples, or as you mindlessly scroll through your instagram feed, as you lovingly attend your friends baby shower. Reminding you when you've only just for a moment forgotten and started thinking about something else. The big smack lately has been as we are open up yet another large medical bill for infertility treatments after another cycle that didn't result in pregnancy, wondering to ourselves - why do so many others get this for free, some without effort? (Not that I or we regret even a single penny of what we have spent, or will hault from spending more. It just adds to the unwavering sentiment of unfairness that floats over you like a dark, ominous cloud you can't seem to shake.)
It comes in waves, in cycles and it has yet to end, is there even such thing as an end? Will this ever end? Every month, every cycle renewing its emotions; wiping clear your hope and dumping despondency and despair in its place. Piling its affliction and confusion atop what was already there.
The hope is also real, and its bizarre. The only way I can describe it is hopeful hopelessness. A constant state of hoping for the best, while expecting the worst. This entire experience has been a roller coaster, each ride different from the last - sometimes only slightly, sometimes completely and unrecognizably. At times it's impossible to describe, which is why these letters sometimes seem hard to write, hard to explain or put into words. Each sentence leading me into something completely different. It is ever changing and even the predictable is always unpredictable. Most days it is unfeasible to make sense of. There are too many pieces, shards, splinters.
I really don't know what the point of this post is or was, just to hopefully make someone else in this fight feel less alone, less crazy. I can sit here and tell you all about how this experience has been for me; you may resonate with some of it, you may disagree with some of it, you may have no idea about what I'm even talking about; that is all completely fair. Each of us walk our own path in life and in each of our experiences. No two situations are the same. We all experience this world differently. My body is my body, my feelings are my feelings, our treatment is our treatment. It is at its very core unique to me and to us, as all my experiences in this life are.
I will leave you with this:
"Some of the most painful experiences of your life will also be some of the most self-realizing ones. You will learn that you are strong enough to rise through anything, no matter how much it hurts your heart. That every pain and hurt you feel [may] disappear someday, but the hope you carry in your heart will always be your guide, it will always lead you to the right way." - Dhiman
Sending you love and light.
Wishing and hoping for you.